How to Re-spark a Dying Flame

How to Re-spark a Dying Flame 

by Robyn Vincent


What happened to us? Do you still love me? Are we OK? These are very common questions asked by spouses. Although it’s hard to believe, every marriage goes through dry spells at one point or another. Many couples appear to be lost in love and still on the honeymoon, but that does not grant them any sort of exemption from the storms of life that come and bear down on the intimate connection between the two of them. It’s amazing how quickly fiery flames of passionate desire can become nothing more than small, ashy embers of apathy and tolerance. This “mountain high-valley low” syndrome is very common in marital relationships, but it can be easily overcome.

“Honesty is the key that unlocks the flow of intimacy.”

The busyness of daily living rarely provides a space for husbands and wives to come together for honest “heart to heart” talk. This is why you must be intentional in creating that personal time to have honest discussions with your spouse. Honesty is the key that unlocks the hindered flow of intimacy. Simply put, if you can’t be honest about where you are, then you cannot see where you’re going. Truth has a light to it and it causes us to see in new ways. Both spouses must be willing to truthfully assess and admit to each other where they are presently standing (spiritually, emotionally, and physically) in the relationship. This appears to be much easier for women, but it’s just as important for men to express their position as well. If this is exercised in a sensible manner, it will give an overall view with a sense of clarity into the inner workings of your current relationship. Also, it will establish a new place of intimacy that strengthens your bond. This will create an open door for a fresh start.

“If you don’t stand for something…the flame will begin to diminish.”

A new place of intimacy requires a new level of commitment, and with a new level of commitment comes a new level of responsibility. When counseling couples, I start off with a few simple questions. I ask them “What’s your standard? What is it that you need to keep the fire burning in your the marriage?” After they respond I follow up by saying, “If that’s your standard, then set it in place and commit to it. Commit your life to upholding and keeping that standard.” There’s a popular saying  that states, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” Likewise, in marriage you must raise your standard and keep your “torch” burning– or the flame will diminish. When both parties devote themselves to keeping the flame alive, the flame will remain.

Fanning the flame

Every successful business has had a business plan. Every Olympic medalist had a strategy and program for reaching their dream. So, every successful marriage should have an enjoyable action plan to be implemented for fanning the flames of love. Here are a few practical suggestions.


  • Plan getaways. It does not have to be expensive or lengthy. It simply has to be designated time away from normal activities with the sole objective of being alone with each other.
  • Be spontaneous. Spontaneity keeps your relationship alive. A surprise kiss on the lips will ignite things really fast. Unplanned date nights are also great for kindling a flame.
  • Serve each other with special attention. It’s funny how men and women are alike in this particular area. If you give your spouse special attention and make him or her feel like they are the most important person on earth, more than likely, they will reciprocate. This increases intimacy in your relationship.
  • Don’t stop flirting. Flirting is a natural fire-starter. It awakens love and fervor immediately and keeps the flame alive in any marriage.
  • Be quick to forgive. Bitterness and unforgiveness can extinguish any flame. Practice making your mate more important than his or her faults.

Marriage is a journey. It’s a beautiful journey. When you find that special someone to walk through life with, make it the best time of your life. Purpose to live, laugh and learn on the journey and your love will grow to be an unquenchable, vehement flame.

Robyn VincentRobyn Vincent is a gifted relationship expert and successful motivational speaker.Robyn and her husband James have been happily married for 15 years. They have five beautiful children. They are ordained ministers that serve at the Global Spheres Center in Corinth, TX. Robyn is also an executive member of International Breakthrough Ministries and a graduate of Eagles International Business Institute. You can connect with Robyn at

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