Starting is the most daunting part of anything I do, especially after a catastrophic event. Haunting memories about the part of my life that just ended consume my thoughts, while destruction, devastation, and desolation threaten to overwhelm and paralyze me.
It was in this paralyzed state that I realized God was extending an invitation, beckoning me to join him in the creation of a new life—one without my husband, Reggie. I hesitated, paralyzed by the thought of leaving behind everything we’d built together.
You see, Reggie and I found each other later in life. We were both nearing the age of forty. Our paths crossed during a church doctrine class at our place of worship. Having endured our fair share of painful and unproductive relationships, we found joy and hope in each other’s presence.
The connection we forged was a testament to our deep desire for a healthy and loving partnership—the kind we’d always dreamed of. We envisioned growing old together, supporting and cherishing each other every step of the way. But sometimes life takes unexpected turns, and God’s plans don’t align with our own.
Merely two years after we exchanged vows everything changed, unexpectedly altering the trajectory of my life forever. As I grappled with the abrupt end of my marriage, I couldn’t help but wonder what God’s invitation meant. Should I move on and start anew? How could I when everything around me reminded me of Reggie?
Wouldn’t it be disrespectful to his memory? How could I possibly fulfill this divine call while remaining true to my promise to stand by his side always? These were just some of the questions that occupied my thoughts as I struggled to make sense of the invitation before me.
But the promise between Reggie and me wasn’t for always, was it? The vow was “until death do us part.” Now, parted by death, God was challenging me to turn away from my past and separate from the glorious gift he’d given me—the love of my life. God was nudging me to turn to the future.
I sensed God’s call, yet when I looked to the future, all I could see were the broken remnants of my current situation. I couldn’t see the path, so I didn’t know which way to go.
Even as I began to dream again, I didn’t understand what to do with the picture forming in my mind. In my mind’s eye, I imagined where I wanted to be juxtaposed with where I was. I saw the barren wasteland I was in next to my new harvest, but I couldn’t see how to get from here to there. Whenever I tried to chart a path forward, I’d trip over the shattered pieces of my life.
How was I going to cultivate a bountiful harvest from this empty field? How could I piece together a brand-new life from these shards of my former self? My life with Reggie seemed a lifetime away. I was irritated I even had to try. Despite this hopeful vision, the confusion of contradictions—wasteland and harvest—left me retreating to the safety of inaction.
When Reggie had been alive, my heart was full. My life had meaning. I had hopes and dreams. Now in their place was a great big hunk of nothing. A vacuum had replaced the fullness; insignificance, the meaning; apathy, the hope; and nightmares, the dreams.
And worst of all, I felt utterly helpless to do anything about it.
I had nothing.
Nothing but an invitation.
As that thought crossed my mind, another chased it away—a memory of something I heard Joyce Meyer once say: “Poor Joyce. All you have is God.” That’s exactly how I felt. “Poor Dawn. All you have is God.”
Writing that down shows me just how unbalanced I’d become. I was saying, “God, you’re not enough.”
An honest observance shows us that’s how we feel sometimes, isn’t it? Because we’ve lost so much, we ache with an ache so intense we miss recognizing what we have.
We have God …
. . . the most powerful force in the universe.
God . . .
. . . who’s in the habit of creating something out of nothing.
God . . .
. . . who’s had this habit from the beginning.
__________________________________________________________________
Taken from When Your World Ends by Dawn Mann Sanders
Chapter 2, “It’s Just the Beginning”
Dawn N. Sanders (MDiv, Bethel Seminary) is an associate minister at First Baptist Church of Glenarden (FBCG), where she serves as the director of the sermon-based life groups ministry. Her passion is expository teaching and sharing the wonderful insights God has shown her in his Word. She does this through writing weekly discussion guides for the life groups as well as teaching several in-depth Bible studies. Dawn has written and taught extensively on overcoming adversity and creating a new life, both at FBCG and on her personal blog.
